I had exactly one hundred and forty posts on my now defunct blog before I hit the DELETE button. For the past three years, it was my coping mechanism - the blog saw me through many broken friendships, one unrequited crush and several other failings in life. I was hurt, for the longest time. I questioned my diminishing faith in God and concluded that God was merely an inactive observer whose presence (or absence) is irrelevant. I acquired a whole new wardrobe, in hopes that beautiful dresses and smart shirts would fill up the missing gaps in my life. It did, for a while, whenever I pranced around in something new and shiny, I felt on top of the world until someone even more stunning came around. I tried reading 19th century Russian literature only to almost never finish them, I watched hundreds of DVDs thinking that I will learn from characters in movies, I listened to songs with melodies so melancholy and lyrics so awfully sad, I felt even worse than before.
Eventually, I recovered. I settled in to my new job and worked harder than I ever did at my previous firm. I resumed formal piano lessons, attempted to read more literature and shopped my life away. At some point, I decided I no longer needed, or wanted Bob's Blog. It did nothing for me, in fact, it stunted my growth as a person. The blog merely served as a reminder on the person I once was, so eager to please and desperate for acknowledgement. I could not stand the girl who wrote all the crap. I am a changed person today, not quite sophisticated enough to be completely emotionless and cold hearted, but definitely more indifferent to the cruel ways of the world.
Today, I came home and found an envelope addressed to me from the ex-employer. It contained my last pay slip and the Return of Remuneration for 2006. Needless to say, it brought back a wave of haunting memories. I am permanently scarred, forever in gut-wrenching, heart-breaking pain.
So yes, it took a while for me to get on this platform, but now that I am here, on this path that I-Mei created, I am here to stay, unless she kicks me off. I don't write as well as she does (not even close, not even a little) but I promise I will try, after all, my grand ambition in life has always been to be a serious writer. But alas! Anyway I enjoy tax returns now - work is the PERFECT antidote for EVERYTHING.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
"this path" seems rather overgrown with tumbleweeds. for heavens sakes we both need to write more. i am glad that you've emerged from those doubtful times stronger and happier. to brighter days as we start to really tackle adulthood and fashion freedom!
Post a Comment