shadow of a dream

so we've both come to realize that we have our moments, rather many in fact where we're out and about living life and as something strikes us, we start thinking hmm, i wanna blog about this and the words form a line and the sentences ar econjured up in the bold and creative recesses of our minds. but when we're faced with the blog post screen or even a blank journal for that matter, all is lost. something holds us back. for me, a lot of the time it is someone that holds me back. oftentimes that someone is me.
talking about our washed out writing aspirations helps shed some light on the stash of hidden sentiments gathering dust in the storeroom. perhaps, together, spurring each other on as individuals, we may once again find the burning passion to write in a voice that speaks to everyone and no one in particular. a voice that is constantly heard...

2 steps forward and 14,000 steps back

I had exactly one hundred and forty posts on my now defunct blog before I hit the DELETE button. For the past three years, it was my coping mechanism - the blog saw me through many broken friendships, one unrequited crush and several other failings in life. I was hurt, for the longest time. I questioned my diminishing faith in God and concluded that God was merely an inactive observer whose presence (or absence) is irrelevant. I acquired a whole new wardrobe, in hopes that beautiful dresses and smart shirts would fill up the missing gaps in my life. It did, for a while, whenever I pranced around in something new and shiny, I felt on top of the world until someone even more stunning came around. I tried reading 19th century Russian literature only to almost never finish them, I watched hundreds of DVDs thinking that I will learn from characters in movies, I listened to songs with melodies so melancholy and lyrics so awfully sad, I felt even worse than before.

Eventually, I recovered. I settled in to my new job and worked harder than I ever did at my previous firm. I resumed formal piano lessons, attempted to read more literature and shopped my life away. At some point, I decided I no longer needed, or wanted Bob's Blog. It did nothing for me, in fact, it stunted my growth as a person. The blog merely served as a reminder on the person I once was, so eager to please and desperate for acknowledgement. I could not stand the girl who wrote all the crap. I am a changed person today, not quite sophisticated enough to be completely emotionless and cold hearted, but definitely more indifferent to the cruel ways of the world.

Today, I came home and found an envelope addressed to me from the ex-employer. It contained my last pay slip and the Return of Remuneration for 2006. Needless to say, it brought back a wave of haunting memories. I am permanently scarred, forever in gut-wrenching, heart-breaking pain.

So yes, it took a while for me to get on this platform, but now that I am here, on this path that I-Mei created, I am here to stay, unless she kicks me off. I don't write as well as she does (not even close, not even a little) but I promise I will try, after all, my grand ambition in life has always been to be a serious writer. But alas! Anyway I enjoy tax returns now - work is the PERFECT antidote for EVERYTHING.